I cut my writing teeth on old-school rough and tumble, no holds barred and all bets off, heroic fantasy. Much of what I read was swords and sorcery, involving ne’er do well heroes, magic, villains of the darkest ilk, and exotic other worlds more or less like this one but lots more fun. About a year ago I faced a writing prompt in my weekly flash story and decided to have fun with it. Fun? Look at these prompts!
Unicorn, mandolin, some kind of plant
Sensing fun, I decided to run with a sword and sorcery story and created Vorgell the giant barbarian on the spot. Because I only look ordinary enough to fool people into thinking I’m normal, I decided it would be even more fun if I had Vorgell screw himself in the ass with a unicorn horn and follow the consequences.
I knew from years of reading great sword and sorcery that anything to do with a unicorn would have consequences. Vorgell is hungry and the animal he kills turns out to be a unicorn. The unicorn’s blood on the earth caused love berries to grow there (because unicorns have sex magic in every part of them). Hungry Vorgell eats the berries and hallucinates and… well, that unicorn’s horn sure looks sexy to a man who’s always fantasized about enjoying a cock in the ass. Next thing you know, Vorgell has fucked himself into being permanently horny for the rest of his days.
Strange as this sounds, it actually works… and it’s definitely out of the box.
Naturally, the fact that Vorgell was now a sex-crazed giant barbarian had to lead to even more consequences—which is how I ended up with a story. And the story grew into a novel featuring, in addition to horny Vorgell, a pretty male witch with a chip on his shoulder bigger than he is, evil wizards, a bizarrely diseased baron, magical trees, an enchanted love collar, some hot steamy sex for our heroes, and a baby basilisk. The story also developed depth as the main characters grew and developed feelings for each other, the villains proved evil indeed, and the conflict proved to be life and death. Did I mention sword and sorcery is fun?
And it made possible this great blurb:
After Vorgell the barbarian fucks himself with a unicorn horn, he ends up in a cell with Maddog, a pretty young thief. It’s lust at first sight for Vorgell—but honestly, he can’t help it. Unicorn horn is a potent aphrodisiac, and now he can’t stop thinking about sex. Luckily, Madd is one male witch who knows how to put Vorgell’s new magical body to good use when he tricks Vorgell into a kiss that helps them escape.
Vorgell may desire sex in general—and Madd in particular—but Madd has no intention of being screwed by a man twice his size. He has problems of his own, including an enchanted collar that causes him to desire his most hated enemy. He wants that collar off as soon as possible, but that requires stealing a basilisk egg from the castle they just escaped.
Drawn together by lust and magic, the two men join forces and soon find themselves up to their necks in witches, wizards, and trouble. Vorgell and Madd might just be perfect for each other, but first they have to survive long enough to find out.
But why stop at the blurb when you can enjoy an Excerpt:
Madd frowned, his dark gaze traveling down Vorgell’s body and taking in his state of undress. “I guess we’ll have to find you some clothes.”
Vorgell liked that idea. “You could just hand me your cloak.”
“No!” Madd clutched the garment closed at the throat. “We’ll… find you something else.” He sighed. “You don’t get it, do you? We need to disappear. You consumed an entire unicorn horn, and—”
“And I’m horny all the time now. I know.” As if to confirm that point, Vorgell’s cock twitched and plumped at the sight of his companion. Even wrapped in shadows and with a water stain from the puddle on his ass, Madd was bewitching. Vorgell’s blood warmed just to look at him. “But I don’t see what that has to do with—”
“Are you really so gods-addled clueless? A mere sliver of unicorn horn makes a man horny for days. You consumed the entire horn! You filled your gargantuan body with so much fucking unicorn magic you’re now a walking, talking reservoir of enchantment! And you’re not a magician, are you? You’re like a toad sitting on gold coins! You can’t get rid of your pot of gold because you don’t know how to use it!”
Vorgell blinked at the little guy’s rage, struggling to see past the fact that Madd looked unbearably cute when he gestured and paced and sputtered. So cute Vorgell wanted to push him against the moldy wall and silence him with kisses while he pushed his cock against that delectable, lithe body. He fought to keep focus as his cock stiffened to full engorgement.
“I can do magic?”
Madd rolled his eyes. “No. You fucking are magic. Like a unicorn. Your blood, your bones, every living part of you, is filled with the shit.” He sighed. “Why the hell do you think I bit you in the tower, except to get at the magic? Or sucked your cock just now? Which, by the way,” he added, “I don’t plan on doing regularly.”
“But you’re good at it. And, well, I thought—” But then he realized he hadn’t been thinking for some days. It was time to start doing it. “So you are using me?”
Madd looked him in the eye. “Yes. And you’re fortunate in that. Because although I’m not a particularly good magician, I’m much more ethical than the baron or his like. Or any of the Wizards’ Guild. That lot would be bleeding you by now and amputating toes to suck on for a little extra spell power.”
Vorgell considered this. He distrusted magic users. He also knew a thing or two about unscrupulous men and could be one himself when the situation demanded. He hadn’t carried Madd away from their prison out of gratitude, but for purposes of ravishment. The latter still sounded like a good idea.
Tali Spencer fell in love with writing at an early age and never stopped. Thanks to a restless father, she grew up as a bit of a nomad and still loves to travel whenever she can. Her longest stint in one place was Milwaukee where she went to college and enjoyed a series of interesting careers including respiratory therapist, airport executive, and raising three surprisingly well-adjusted sons. She later married her true love and put down new roots in Philadelphia, where she lives in an ongoing Italian American family sitcom. At least she’s learned how make good pasta. When not writing, Tali reads everything from sweet goofy romances to Lebanese cookbooks, manages her fantasy football team—go Gekkos!—and takes long walks with her loving, if slightly neurotic, poodle.
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